I am generally a happy person. I say generally, because I am human. I have my regular moments of frustration with my disobedient children or my "relaxing-amid-a-dirty-house" husband. But I would rarely, if ever, call myself an angry person. Anger, in my opinion, denotes a lack of control. I don't like to lose control and avoid it like the plague, taking pains to walk away rather than escalate.
I am, however, a very passionate person. I am passionate about a lot of things and my true friends can attest to that fact and love me either for it or despite it. I am passionate about striving toward greater independence from modern medicine. I am passionate about homeschooling my children (though my husband does not share this passion...yet). :0) I am passionate about taking a stand against marriage and family redefinition. I am passionate about cheesecake (seriously). I am passionate about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am passionate about become self-reliant and self-sustaining. I am passionate about teaching my children what is right and what is wrong; what is good and what is bad. I am passionate about a great many things and my passion doesn't stop at the keyboard; rather, it flows through it.
The fated conversation sitting dormant a few posts down, begun in response to an innocent post about an innocent two-year-old's imagination, still tickles at the back of my brain now and then, offering much food for thought. I have been alternately baffled, humbled, penitent, stoic, adamant, and of course, forever passionate. I am convinced that my initial response to my inquisitor was natural and fair. However, once Lisa explained what she didn't mean, I let my need for validation get the better of me by continuing the conversation in the hopes that she (or Kari) would, at the very least, express an understanding for how their words could have reasonably been perceived, by me, the subject at which they were directed, as unkind and inappropriate. Instead, our discussion continued to escalate as I sought validation and Lisa offered up explanations.
For my part in the escalation, I apologize. Profoundly.
Kari was partially right about one thing, though. I have changed. But I don't think it's for the worse. It used to be that I wouldn't disagree with anyone about anything. I was a people pleaser. I still am, to some extent, but if this marriage debate has taught me one glaring thing, it's that I have a strong opinion and it's okay to share that on my home turf. I figure if people don't like what I write now, they are more than welcome to not read what they disagree with. In fact, I have a lovely friend who does disagree with me on some issues I am very passionate about. We have reached a very amicable truce. She doesn't read those specific posts and I don't bring it up with her (though I have slipped up before, completely on accident...sorry L!). We simply agree to disagree. And I don't ever express a dissenting opinion on her blog, so I guess that's why Lisa's comment caught me by surprise on my blog.
So why write this? Why dredge up the past? Why not let it lie? Well, I guess because for me, it has not really passed. Not yet. I still think about it and I have been wanting to express my thoughts here at "home." Some of the things said were hurtful. I've got thick skin, but hearing stuff like that from friends is never easy or appreciated. I guess the purpose of writing this post is to convey my thoughts as they've been tumbling around in my head lately. And perhaps a little bit to vindicate myself and offer up an alternative to the crazy, angry, hyper-sensitive lady image that Kari suggested then rescinded.
I know that Lisa and Kari are good people, children of God, great mothers, etc. I know that I should have walked away rather than escalate.
In the end, I hope to convey that I was (am) passionate, not angry. I was defensive, not angry. I was upset, not angry.
I am me. I love being me. I love learning and growing...and even changing. I don't like feeling as though my parenting is being called into question by a friend, but as Lisa assured that was not her intent, I should have trusted that and refrained from seeking validation of my erroneous interpretation.
I am sorry, Lisa.
I am sorry, Kari.
I am sorry, Blog World.
I am sorry, Lord.