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Monday, November 10, 2008

Lighten Up!

In an attempt to lighten things up on our blog....

One Bra Woman

I am a one bra woman. Mostly this is due to the fact that I hate shopping and I can't stomach spending $250,000 dollars to get Victoria Secret's latest, state-of-the-art, Nasa-developed Wonder Bra. Honestly, what's so ingenious about putting water under a bra cup anyway? Sounds more like a flotation device than a...well, actually maybe that's their goal. Anyway, I digress already.

So, back to being a one bra woman. This trait has never proved to be a problem in the past because of my introverted, homebody-ness. I don't go out every day, therefore I have ample opportunity for cleaning the trophy bra. In the last few weeks, however, being greatly involved with P8 and desiring to be a dependable person, I was actually leaving my house two times a day! And you can imagine the dilemma this presented with regard to my bbf (best bra forever). Well, I proudly admit that I wore it for two weeks straight without cleaning it. Just the bra, people. I still followed proper hygiene rules by taking showers, brushing my teeth, and applying deodorant. This was not a girls camp situation (thank goodness). Anyway, that constant abuse definitely took its toll on my bbf's performance. So last week, in celebration of P8's passing, I threw my bbf into the washer, shut the lid, and spent the morning al fresco. I know what you're thinking, "Wow, Liz is the definition of Party Animal!" True. True. After the washer came the dryer (Gasp! You put your bra in the dryer, Liz?!* Yes I do. I'm lazy.). The results, you ask? Boy, let me tell you what, a little trip through the double cyclones and, voila (!), we've put the...ahem..."up" back in push up, folks. Hallelujah! My chest had been starting to look like that of a 90-year-old woman, having given up the fight against gravity and instead creeping toward new relations with neighbors such as jelly roll belly. My little sisters thank you, washer and dryer. They are perfectly content staying in the vicinity of my heart. They're a bit snobbish and disdain to make new acquaintances at this time. I pray their uppity (pun intended) attitude never fails them (or me).

So if you need a party plan in the future, just strip off that well-worn bra, throw it in the wash with some detergent and yummy smelling fabric softener, and grab some popcorn to munch on while you anxiously await the unveiling of your chest's new bbf. And, though you might be tempted to, don't ever stop shaving your legs (The Chief's sage advice for the so-called "emancipated" woman).

In closing this comical anatomical narrative, I will relate the following "breast" exchange with my nursing, almost-2-yr-old son.

Bugga [patting Mommy's chest]: "Milk. Bugga!"

Mommy [being devious]: "Should we give some to Buddha?"

Bugga [indignant]: "No"

Mommy [relentless]: "Should we give some to Daddy?"

Bugga [increasingly distressed]: "No!"

Mommy [cruel, really]: "You know if we have a new baby, this milk will be for him/her."**

Bugga [enough already]: "No! Mine! Bugga's milk!"

Mommy [curious]: "Is it that good? What does it taste like, Bugga?"

Bugga [obliging]: "Chocolate milk!"

Ha! Now you know - kids eat sand because it's salty and drink breast milk because it tastes like chocolate milk.

The End

*I not only put my bra in the dryer, but, be forewarned that, if you should ever ask me to do your laundry, your bra will end up in the dryer too, despite instructions to the contrary (poor habits combined with poor memory does not a positive outlook make for your bra). So sorry still, Wendy!

**No, I am not pregnant.


LeAnn said...

HA! I'm practically a one bra woman to. I have more, I just hate all but one of them :) But alas, I'm nursing and they don't stay clean much longer than a day or two, so I've got a whole pile of nursing bras. I can't wait to burn them all!!!!! Once in a while when I'm feeling like doing what I'm told, I put my bra on the drying rack instead of the dryer.

She-She said...

I love it!! I needed a good laugh to jiggle my now not-so-hard tummy.

Scott and Megan said...

Oh man! you crack me up! I have to say, I too am a one bra woman, but it is from VS. Don't knock it until you try it liz. Its like a run through the dryer everyday. Call me to watch the boys and you can go shopping.

Freckles said...

Liz, you're hilarious!! I am a 2 bra woman, so I can switch when washing. Both are from VS, but never again, way too much money for a tight and uncomfortable bra! Glad life is settling down for you again.

Liz said...

Ha ha! Actually, my one bra is a VS bra, too. Shhhh, don't tell anyone. :)

Lindsey said...

This was fantastic! I loved ever bit of your one bra woman confession. :)

Katy Truman said...

Thats hilarious!!

Scott and Karin said...

I also am a 2 bra woman, but I have done the one bra thing before. I absolutely HATE bra shopping. Especially since babies and nursing has totally changed "my sisters". I have to try on a million different bra styles and sizes to find maybe one that makes them look even slightly normal. Then I buy two bras and hope they last me a couple of years so I don't have to go throught the horror of bra shopping again, for a while.

taradise said...

Love love love! I too decline shopping in VS, and I join in your confession about going a few weeks without washing. It happens!

I like this light-hearted post. I bet it's a nice break from P8. Which is why I only post ridiculous things. We all need a break now and then.

Brooklet said...

I think we have all been there! This post was laugh out loud funny, especially when you referred to them as your sisters. The one bra is i like is also from VS. its time for another trip. . . I hate it.

Wendy said...

Okay, I am laughing so hard right now. As I read this post, I was thinking, please don't bring me up, please don't bring me up! Low and behold, there's an apology to me at the end. Don't be sorry! I look back at our Park City trip and the whole bra in the dryer incident and have to laugh! I actually still have that bra and wear it all the time. One time thru the dryer didn't hurt it at all. :)